its melting. the relationships i had made, the flowers displayed, the momentum made. any attempt at putting my best foot forward is also failing. already squandered on news sites, aimless meetings and pursuits of imagined goals and anomalies. present moments are all that matter i remind myself, hoping to escape the patterns of purposeless pursuit i have done so far.

and so the dominos fall. the wrong way. decisions into further bad choices, bad money after bad money, fights leading to throwing objects eventually the whole things burns down. the candy eats into my teeth faster on days like today. suffering is so much easier, it comes naturally. its easier to desire, then not give into those desires. or to give into those desires then fall victim to the guilt that comes later.

i keep looking at it differently. hoping to catch the world playing out in front in a better light. its been easy, i can walk, i am not fighting for breath, people are not being mean to me. yet still the dark tint sets in. a baby screams when born, screams. on days like today it takes effort to smile, to feel thankful. sometimes days like this come, i am grateful when they end.