been thinking about knocking my sand castle down. its not that there is anything wrong with it, but it seems that no matter how rocky the ocean gets, the tide never really comes to its base. it also could be more rounded, a better moat, a bit closer to the waters edge. i think i have discovered another patch of sand in the distance I would really like to build on. but no so certain that the one over in the distance is simply another effort i would also get tired of. even though i keep pacing over there and weighing the choices, i really cant pull the trigger. one of these problems im mulling over, a problem i have created for myself from thin air.

i know that the mountains on the other side are just other mountains, and that when you get all the way up to the top of them you can still see the dirt on the ground. that no matter how much greener the other side is, how great the other couple looks, how sweet the other things taste, that these fade when one possesses it or stands in it. but these truths do little in making them fade away. i know the ego is not real, that it is all a game and that i am going around in circles, yet i still cling to an idea that it matters and i will make a difference. i will find a permanence. i will find a better view, a more perfect day or event or story or castle.

then i think of the shirts at the bottoms of their piles in the closet or friends i no longer call on. of half written notebooks, businesses started and abandoned. the times i had turned things down, broken up or bandaged up and made to return home early. all the birthdays come and gone, pets deceased, decay removed. the suffering is real. a trade we made in order to feel good, to feel the rush of building something new in order to stand back and marvel at its awe. the spark of fear when the wave crashes and waters rush up to its base, almost taking it down but leaving it in place, for another moment, or time until you begin to build the next one. moments of excitement and frustration in staying put while wishing to knock it all down.