we think we have control. of our time, our feelings, our actions. yet wave after wave proves different. our old ways come back, fights resurface, the knee buckles. is it destiny and fate for humans to suffer? how much of these things are us and how much is it the environment? if we focus on the breath, we feel as if we are controlling it, when we forget about it the breath goes on. decay will come whether or not we are expecting it.

actions and thoughts are compounded with desires to take more then what should be on the plate. to get away from what we know we should not be doing. to not get caught. we know the right way, the things we should not say, should not think, yet there it is. sneaking around by ourselves, sinning and then blaming others for our actions. are we reacting or simply playing out our roles set for us? I cannot tell.

in the meantime, wasted moments pile up. afternoons sitting around among piles of unread books, moments to mend friendships or work on family issues vanish. instead i sit and brood, taking in the reality of it all. after 40 the road starts to crumble. the mind, not as sharp but full of knowledge, warns you to be careful. to avoid the calamities that one reads about. the tv, flickering in the background, other lives documented so we can forget about ours for awhile.