where did they go: the thoughts, anxiety, anger and excitement? what was once feelings that raged inside have now all but dissipated. like an old forgotten object, they have gone the way of so many things, lost in a past that slips further and further away. in their place, a new peacefulness of observation has set forth. i now can understand the moments of the old as they stare into a blank landscape, settled with their own thoughts and no rush to do anything but observe. how an elephant must feel when he observes his calf curiously poking around a water hole for the first time. i have slipped into my future, careful not to fall down too hard.

with this reality comes the understanding that I can not easily crawl back. i always was aware that i could not fake anything. that feelings would show my true hand, and no longer am i trying to hide it anyways. i have become aware that i no longer disguise my emotions or actions. if do not like a place or a person i will say so, i have nothing to gain by pretending to want to be anywhere or with anyone that i do not, i have shifted beyond or perhaps in front of what might get me ahead in the world. i am attempting to lose my ego, forgo my desires and put at rest my attempt at being anything other then what i am.

——

as my hand reaches for the door i become aware of the moment i will step outside. the sun hits me with warmth as smells and sounds attack my senses. the world is abuzz around me. people in pursuit of objects and missions scurry past me as i myself go to engage in the game of the day. first the mind with meditation, then the body as i go to a gym, to work on exercises to engage muscles i have long forgotten i have. from there i will go about my game of building in the newest work site. playing foreman and manager for a bit of time before others take over. at home i will play the role of dad and husband, son-in-law and master to my cat. my bath awaits to relax me and then a bed to fall into, to close my eyes and put it all away until the world rushes in again the next day, to greet me and surprise me. i will gaze at it in awe and aspiration, quietly feeling nothing as the whole thing starts anew.