what does a flower go through when its petals begin to shed and summer wilts its once strong leaves? each day i try to outperform what i did the day before, to improve my situation financially, emotionally and physically. i know that even this race is elusive, but what else can one do with the time given? i am in a game, i spin plates and pass balls, i start and stop and start again. i collect gold coins and run around on obstacle courses that simulate the video games i played as a child. last week i had an old lady come up to me in a village i had hiked up to ask me to look around for her baby chicken who had escaped her garden. i am in a game and these characters are real.

if asked what your achievement has been over your lifetime, or what your purpose was, do you think you could answer it in a way that would pass the test of time? is anything we do actually significant? another day has started and with it a short-list of things i will do, ill still read the news and nod my head in disappointment at the antics of the politicians and celebrities. i know i could do better i trick myself into thinking. did i make this happen i also wonder as i stare into space, glancing at my cat and my belongings, taking inventory of my collections of objects i currently have in my possession. sometimes ill count my bag of worth, rounding up and allowing some reassurance that the direction and situation i am in is fine as i oscillate from one thought to the other, from one task and one situation and one area. gathering as much in piles, hoping to fill some void.

the idea of not speaking scares me. silent retreats are known to bring enlightenment to some and attracts people hoping to reach zen. stories of buddhist who abandon their belongings to live with no burdens, who wander from place to place with only a loincloth and bowl who find the meaning of it all in nothingness. is this a direction i should turn my game into? what will i find if i stopped chattering so much, stopped collecting things or caring for my cat. stopped calling home, stopped yearning for finer lives or prettier destinations? what does a flower go through when its petals begin to shed and summer wilts its once strong leaves?