it all taste the same and feels of indifference. a numb of the senses. with nothing new being created inside nothing is created out. like looking for details in a washed out photo, nothing particularly sharp comes to the surface. i have started to die inside, purposely the bleaching has begun. its a type of treatment to save, but it feels more like the the sedative given befor your knocked out.

feelings are the catalyst for how we will operate or achieve our goal, our function. if you are not into something, your ability to accept something average will suffice. teachers reward the diligent, the boy who puts his mind towards something will get it. sleep and the early birds will feast.

so in our medical state of unease, pain, problems…the doctor decides to start with killing those feelings. mute out anything that gives you drive, energy, purpose. lets kill these first. too much of this going on in your life, the cells are getting too excited, lets dumb these down. the receptors can be numbed, you wont feel empty, but it will be close. 

the feelings left over are like being pulled out of a deep sleep, never quite awake but also not in rest. in limbo for a few months, then some more test, if lucky a clear path to waking up will follow. if not, a deeper sleep awaits.