where the hell are we? when i close my eyes the world seems to expand. no longer within my visual sight, sounds and lights collide in my mind and I feel, a times, at one with everything around me. Although I cannot decide if the front of my head is actually in front or in back of where i feel i am. thoughts come in and out like noises, soon to dissipate. where are they coming from and should i listen to any of them? like feelings and emotions these thoughts are out of my control, some other things in life are also out of my control.

for instance, the words people say to me, the response i get when i interact with strangers, the food temperature at restaurants, the weather, my grey hair and the patine on buildings–i have nothing to do with any of these. i go about my day, ideally at my own pace. feeling as though i have structured parts, although most seem to be thrown at me. i am often told where to go, who to meet, even though i think i am making these decisions. I am lost but feel as though i am in charge and know where i am.

years ago others mattered. i was working away at a set of problems with the backbone supported by a set of beliefs I no longer have. i had priorities that are no longer with me and friends who have since long moved away. our politics were different, our societies worked better and my knees felt better when i jumped down from somewhere high. today i find myself in another cluster of sounds and thoughts, moving mounds of dirt from one side of the garden to the other. pulling weeds and watering the flowers while another season, perhaps the last, comes towards me and occupies my life for a while.