in the span of 24 hours i went from grief to joy, from one town to another, was rained on, was short on breath…i felt full and hungry and in the corner of the world i call my own i experienced the feeling of life. its hard to say if any of it mattered, even to myself, like a cloud passing over a valley i simply let the wind push me along and did little other then react. like the smell of air, the taste of water, life can be hard to explain. there are moments that can be defined, spikes in feelings or moments of calm, tired, anxious, but the rest is simply a state, almost dream like, that we simply exist in.

if we were to play a game and it was not difficult, we would quit. the point of the whole thing is to overcome some obstacle, get to some destination. life is no different. we create problems, put objects in our way. i suppose we do this to feel, to rage at the politicians, to wait for the mailman, to put the weeks in a row so we can have a weekend to arrive on. our bank accounts accumulate points, our friends give us enough reason to share and allow us to help, to be helped, this world gives us enough obstacles to climb over. yet many of us have a hard time to engage, to believe in the game, to follow the rules. instead we keep creating our own paths, thinking there is another way out of this, another objective.

that there could be more offers up the chance that there could be less. a weighted risk one takes when trying to wake up from a state of stumbling forward. perhaps religion or philosophy, feeling around in a room with no lights on is hard enough without all the noise in the background telling you to get back in line. the years of habits are hard to break, most of the time i simply get quiet and look around in disbelief. i say little in those moments, like the elderly i witness, consumed with thoughts and disbelief that it is all going to end. just as the answers come into view, the baby knows it all but cannot speak yet, the elderly have no one that will listen to them. the enigma of what keeps us alive is evident in and around us, the quest for understanding it can drive a man crazy, best to float across the valley instead, marvel the the beauty in it all. or should you dissipate, let it all go, like a rain cloud that finally just dumps down onto you.