if it was your last day how would you spend it? would you go about life as you have before, quietly contemplating the end while looking back at the accomplishments or mistakes of the past? would you take the day off, and if so, where would you go? a mall to buy things, a park to stare at the flora or look for birds? would you call anybody or reach out to mend the undone, tell your friends and family how much they matter? its hard, when left with this choice it is hard to do anything different. its the same if you make over a certain amount, hit a certain stride, reach your expected goals, there is little left but to wash, rinse and repeat.

there is something enlightening about doing nothing when you really lean into it. the mind settles, the breath becomes something more responsive, doing nothing encompasses you. the same is with washing dishes, starting out a car window, responding to a problem at work, a kid playing alone in the park. the fact that you are in control of a task, participating in a conversation at a time in a place and can be there is enough. stop imagining a future that holds anything different, anything better, that illusion is just that, and is taking away from now. play the game you have now, lean into the dance, the conversation, the show, the problems, the sickness and the health.

knowing all this (its gonna end, its all the same, play here and now) i tend to like to get a bit closer to the fire. i see the moments peeling away from the desk calendar, i feel the candle burning from both ends and try to grasp as much of the marrow as possible. i do not wait well, the beating on the glass grasp my attention and abandon my seat at the desk way before the recess bell goes off. im searching for neverland even though im aware it does not exist. making mountains out of molehills i have tricked myself over and over, believing there is something other then the obvious awaiting me. right around the corner, right under that pile of things i am rummaging through, in the next phone call, in the next project, next friend, next moment.