marilyn monroe had alot of lovers.

to laugh. then to stop laughing. to get high and follow it with sobriety. on and off. i wake, i sleep, i start/stop and then repeat till i no longer can.

you can choose your directions, but the outcome of that choice you have to live with and when made other doors will close. others open. at times recently i find asking myself… did i choose this route or did i simply follow the sounds and breadcrumbs laid out before me. where am i anywhere? spinning conversations and situations further and further away, connecting with strangers and barely responsive. but this is what i had wanted, didn’t i? am i even eating or drinking what i want? i feel like i have eaten the blue pill in the matrix and woken up in a metal plane eating porridge underwater. perhaps this is what others feel when they get further and further away from the person they thought they were and knew. but i still am eating steak and seeing beautiful people?

constantly yearning to have some sort of noise interrupt the silence, to get over to the others side of the fence. to change the news topics, to rid the mind of senseless thoughts of jealousy and envy, utter nonsense but boiling up from somewhere. the sickness is not real, there is no tylenol for this headache, it is simply a folly in the field, a middle class white man screaming at a wall in the middle of his life.