Before I had studied Zen for thirty years, I saw mountains as mountains, and waters as waters. When I arrived at a more intimate knowledge, I came to the point where I saw that mountains are not mountains, and waters are not waters. But now that I have got its very substance I am at rest. For it’s just that I see mountains once again as mountains, and waters once again as waters.”

Watts referring to D. T. Suzuki, Essays in Zen Buddhism, quoting seigen ischen

We are who we pretend to be. Arrogant or full of anxiety, our personas built by our circumstances and our backgrounds. We come into being at a time and place that we do not choose but must adapt too. So we accept the body and name given to us, we deal with the cards dealt. We bend to our hand,  while being reminded of where to stand, what to do and how to act. In groups we form collectives and act as one, cooperating. We accept it all, without the limitations of knowing who and what we really are. Behind the closed doors, alone in bed, we fart and laugh in moments of strength and weakness. Completely lost.  

As I open and close my hand I wonder if it is me doing it  Or is it simply happening to me? Is it the time to question if this is my choice or choices made for me. Do I have a choice in any of it or do I simply keep reacting to my surroundings? Another question I cannot answer. They seem to keep adding up, these unknown circumstances, these chances and places I keep showing up. My friends, family and circumstances as random as the channels I flip through on tv and at times as intriguing or boring. A life playing out from inside me, inside us all. Where we all play the leading characters and objects, circumstances and other actors keep coming in and out. 

In this noise I keep wandering away from the center in order to look back. I drop my work, my motion and look around. When I head home I look for new routes, new places and more meaning. I keep rearranging the objects and characters but keep coming back to the same. Variations of what I already knew I had and wanted. As the hand opens and closes I think of the rain that is falling outside, the laughter of the kids downstairs, the ivy climbing my house, the dialogue in my head and wondering if I am doing it all or none of it. Im certain it is one.