the first step to getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.

unknown

in the end your time runs out. so do we spend it all, leave the place a mess and fuck-off to the next world, or do we go more gentle, leave things relatively untouched and make sure the next generation has many of things to stumble upon. it would be good if we had a choice in the matter, and in a way, as we age, we tend to feel that we can make these subtle choices and bring our life to a certain way or point. the youth, well most of them, do not have this opportunity, they are simply reacting with little thought to think and feel about it all. but as age comes, when time seems to slow down, we have some time to internalize our decisions.

looking backwards you realize that all the time that have passed have led you to here, and are pushed in a certain way to a pile of what defines you. there is your home and friends, the shape of your body and your current job, an idea of you brought on by circumstances both bestowed and ones that have been chosen for you. its hard how to feel about all this, much depends on circumstances around you, how others are doing. you do what you can to keep up the game, to participate, to dress up and have a jab at it. there probably are a few small things you could do to steer the ship in another direction, but its going to take some instrumental efforts and the correction is going to come after some time.

in the end it wont matter. no consequences for your actions. no matter how important you pretend to be, the world will mainly forget about your place. it needs to in order for others to grab attention and opportunities, its natural that way. i yearn to exit in a cool way, with a nod to my next of kin and a shedding of the things i have collected to others who might come along and stumble upon it. I dont want to leave a pile of junk in a warehouse, bills unaccounted for and no note left behind. although i might do just that.