we fall not far from the tree. my friend is black, his father is black, my other friend married a woman much like his mom and i still carry a bit of my southern draw in my voice. we are born in a certain region during a certain period of history. peace or war are decided before our first breath, and our development depends as much on luck as it does on a determination to thrive. but where does that drive come from. im guessing its molecular, just like the fly that moves out of the way when our hand goes after it, our DNA is programmed to survive and its what we do.

and in this survival we love to waste. but only if it is on our terms. if anyone were to waste someone elses time or money or opportunity we consider it a travesty, but we give endless chances when we waste our own. for it seems like it was of our choosing, and if we freely choose it then so be it, even if we choose to let the person who ends up wasting our time into our own space. constant contradictions push us to evolve, pushing the on and off switch, pain and pleasure are like comedy and tragedy, bouncing off one another to push our limits, to experience further on the spectrum of feelings we are given. reacting more of less, we evolve in a strange way pushing our limits and bounds to strengthen our approach and create agency in it all.

at night i close my eyes and realize i am stuck with the same visual field i had when they were open. no way to see 365 degrees, as much as I try I cannot see behind my field of vision, even as the eyes are closed. what is going on i wonder, should’nt one be able to see further with the eye closed, to at least to imagine that our field of vision is not fixed by the contours of our head. why cant i be like a spider and see further when i shut my eye so tight that i have lost vision altogether. what is stopping that. i try harder and harder, wasting my precious sleep time but at least on my own terms.

do what you want, this worlds a fiction and it is made up of contradictions.

william blake-