the pain has been constant. a dulling, discomfort, similar to a large bruise but radiating from the inside. the pills help, nightly, they hold away the pulses so that i can meet sleep and rest up for another day. the test have proved to me that the antidote for everything sickening be will be more pain, more of the same. like scolding a child who has already been punished from his actions, or treating a snake bite with venom, we throw the fire as the forest burn out of control, hoping to beat it with itself.

and if we are strong enough to beat it we will. coming out of it shocked. speaking even less as we slowly process the personal war we just went through. days will be felt borrowed, another story to pass along in a life that means little to anyone outside of a few family members or friends.

if we don’t, and the war is lost, well the pain will cease. its harder for those who love us. our pain is temporary, but the hurt it inflicts on others is forever. the agony met, the sympathy, and the strong feelings that will take over when we pass will keep on.

just as life can be wonderful, full of laughter and joy, our ability to have these feeling put us in the situation where the opposite also come true. the world is a wonderous balance of pain and joy, from the high to the lows, the capacity really does not matter. to have witnessed and participated at all, to have felt the warmth and had love and loss is enough.