each moment bothers me more and more. i suppose its more to lose. as a raging fire burns in my fireplace in shanghai i worry of the neighbors complaining, the black smoke billowing upon my lonely house in the city leaves me a spectacle in a place that now encourages infighting. there are numbers plastered in all corners of the city for people to call, campaigns to keep society in order. a quick complaint will bring the authorities to my door, making me regret the huge log that is now burning uncontrollably in my fireplace. its always like this, i push a bit too far, a bit too close to the edge, then i have to dig my way out. why put in a fireplace in a dense city when i knew it was probably against some rule somewhere?. why push to the edge of comfort….perhaps it is that fear that i relish.

openly dancing with others, letting my guard down, skipping the steps and going straight for pay dirt, i am five-years-old caught with my hand in the cookie jar. i no longer think too much during the process. keeping the game alive and feeding the flames, anything to make the middle-age seem different, perhaps it makes me feel alive. for too long i have been acting up, teasing others. something deep inside me loves the mischief in it all, loves the game of bait and switch, the joy of getting caught then let the others look away and do it again. such a bad child now adult, but not totally. inside is a good person, someone that likes to help, cleans up after himself and believes the tales he spins will lead to some good. i bend things but rarely break them.

but i do get scared lately. nervous that i will knock down the pile of cards i have so far built. fall down and get up with a limp, wake up with a cold i cannot shake. it has come from a few tough spills i have had, both physical and business push-backs that reminds me that this is all temporary. that no longer how high your mountain is that you sit upon, you must come down at some point. that the sun will set on all the trees and all those that walk underneath them. to grasp the temporary in it all should alleviate the fear, but for some reason it sits there. but also joy and wonder still arrive, part of the tradeoff in it all. if you never scare of things you never can appreciate them. it keeps us safe, and reminds us that next time it is best to throw a smaller log into that fire you are burning in that illegal fireplace you have erected in your stone home in that big city in that huge country in that small small world you call home.