is it important to keep going? to keep gathering objects, friends that take place on the multiple board games going on…is the winner the one with the most worn out shoes who has danced the most? if you exhaust all others then who is left to see you win. i find the questions of our use here hard to answer. where are all those cars even going? why am i waiting in line? but tomorrow comes and i am not willing to let go of my possessions and life just yet. there are still people to tease and places to see. perhaps more objects to collect, in one honest revelation—i am a good consumer for the market.

i have been waiting all day for that i tell myself as i look at a photograph/ceramic cow/freshly cut flower…and i take out my phone or plastic credit card and call it my own. another thing to fill a shelf, a story to add to my ever increasing book of self that i’m writing for anyone who will listen. it may as well fall on empty eyes, the stories themselves taking up paper and time in a finite area that seems to have infinite distractions. listen to me, don’t listen to me, i wash my hands and come back to the table and wonder if it was a dream.

part of me is forever changing. a recent feeling of decay setting in. its deep, on the surface the fruit still seems fine, it is only when pressed are the depressions noticeable. the energy draining even before the treatment comes. if only i can keep my sunnies on, if things could be more predictable this might be easier. and the ones that have to look on, i hope not to leave them with images and sounds that resemble anything like the void and pain that i am feeling, that i will feel. at least let them see and remember the good times i think, over and over as i try to remember my own views of my dad, my old dog and other uncles, friends and associates i have known and since departed. they looked good, i smile and return to the table.