on a normal day i will think to myself that things are fine, but in the same moment i will know they are off. my accomplishments real, but the chances not taken, opportunities not seized like marks carved on a tree, interrupting a fine bark. i am good but not so good, fun but not really, i keep seeing the water and space in the glass, unable to not see both sides. everything offset with each other, too much time on this, too little with that, an abundance of one without the right amount of the other.

when i first began to meditate, i worried it might make me lose my mind. being self aware is both a curse and a blessing, it makes for an odd moment when you are engaging with people and you are watching yourself engage. to hear the words coming out of your own mouth, questioning the moment, the moments. things slow down during these times, slow enough to see the cracks, the awkwardness and the fragility in it all. you feel the fragility in yourself. you wish to wake up from being woken.

aware of having enough, aware of lost opportunities. wasted days lead to stuff littered in your home, your mind. even the best lives were lead partially lost. i think of those who are celebrated in their death. criminals found innocent in the end, being on the right side during the wrong time in history. what must that feel like? from one side of right to wrong, pulling and pushing imaginary things in imaginary times. let me wake up again and have it all go back to its old self. let it matter, let it not be so temporary.