i said goodbye as if it might be my last. treated the day as if it might not come back to greet me tomorrow. i engaged everyone as i would want to be met and kept as much in the here and now as I could. monkey mind kept pulling me back and pushing me forward, some innate fear of loss made me aware that the things i was spending on could be given up, but i ignored it. i ignored the moment that just passed and tried not to await an upcoming event. pinpointing the here and now is as difficult as touching your own nose with your nose, of seeing who we are, its all there though, in that cloud of here and you and consciousness.

grey and black hairs create a patina over my scalp while my grey-blue eyes match the skies above. in another foreign land i do my best to pretend that wherever i go its not me. it is easier to think that my sorrow and pain can be left here, like a forgotten swim trunk or unwritten postcard but I know that it is coming with me. its packed in with my joy and forgetfulness, my forever objections and monstrous ambitions that get beat out by my laziness. no matter how many suitcases i open, doors i go through, each time it is me, questioning anyone who will listen, looking for cracks in my own idea of this all.

there i was off looking at tomorrow again. it is hard not to. to point in a direction you would like to go. the mind takes you there, others pull you in that direction. best to remember where you left yourself. back here there is nowhere to go…in circles we run chasing ourselves, repeating the actions that worked, the dances that landed, the audience that appreciated it. our circle of friends and family and colleagues that get along with ourselves. a nice way it is to keep going around the board, looking backwards and forwards at the set until the game ends. its so much easier then standing still and questioning its existence.