the future cometh

the choices are made. with little or no effort, the day will run its course with or without me. like a tree limb lobbed into a running creek i acquiesce to the forces of nature and simply let go. it has me listening too long to others worries and frustrations, i stand at street corners a bit too awkwardly, waiting for another sign beyond the walk symbol before i press on, to be too mindful is also a problem, moderation i remind myself. but to be aware of it all is enough. to know that it is primarily difficult and painful, that it probably not matter as much as i think it will but not to give in to early to that thought or i would never even begin to make a change. that it was always enough and that the feelings of youth and that freedom we have will be the richest thing you will ever encounter. that if you do not enjoy your company they are probably feeling the same. feelings are mutual.

i need to put down the hot sauce.

im eating again. pushing the food around the plate, neither hungry nor full. i recall a friend recently telling me that three meals a day is something the industry created, like fathers day, or handkerchiefs, a product of the times that could be ignored if we had strong will. my will for avoiding meals is not strong, three times a day i sit at a table and eat what i think constitutes a meal of that hour. i think of how much people love eating, i glance over and also imagine a table of people cheering for their sports teams to win, both groups i envy for the passion that they have for mundane events in my own life. i wish i felt more for this meal and for the group of men passing the balls into the goals. perhaps it would take some of the time away from the monkey mind, perhaps it would give it more meaning, perhaps that was the missing part in an otherwise aha moment where it all just made sense.

perhaps.