all we have to decide is what to with the time that is given to us.

j.r.r. tolken

was our attention always getting eaten? was it the real bugs before the computer bugs; the toiling away in the fields before the hours in front of the screen? keeping up with the speed of the game is exhausting, but the lack of other games keep us with our nose to the grindstone, as does an economy that seems to be created to take the most our of us all with the least amount of elasticity left for error. also a pillar of the past, the idea of hard work and effort to get ahead, a hangover from our days as lizard people where we all fought for limited resources. that game did not end, is simply evolved.

a moment ago i was able to sit down and read a novel, enjoy a long walk and engage in dialogue while taking the sunny day off to play frisbee. a few moments before that i stole my hours of sleep to sneak outside and run wild in the night, playing into the morning hours, getting home just in time to avoid the consequences of my behavior. i remember when it did not matter, where insurance and funds and responsibilities where as foreign as the language i now try to master. if we know that ignorance is bliss why do we do our best to run from it? banging on my keyboard i look for answers but simply find websites full of stories of others bad behavior and zeros and ones that supposedly make up my worth.

moments from now my teeth will be falling at a quicker pace. ill not be sure where i am any longer as loved ones come in and out of the picture where i barely have enough energy to respond. all my belongings and friend will be worthless, scattered here and there; like my memories and wrinkles on my face. ill wish for the long sleep, to be even less busy, to forget of the moments that now seem like a fever dream of long ago. uncertain it ever happened, my eyes will flicker to never open again.