we are what we believe we are.

c.s. lewis

we are all a bit at odds. with others, with ourselves. we want something else in our natural state, we sit a bit ill content with the goings on of things. our state of mind rest in a nimble area of discontent and contemplation on what is and could go wrong. we are worriers, some only pretend that they are not. its why we drink, why we get lost in fantasy worlds of rumors and pop stars, why we want to escape the self in any moment we can. whether it be at work, online or lost in tv or in a sports game or project, we yearn to get away from our self.

any why wouldnt we. we have no idea what the self even is. although aware of a few things such as our appearance our age and name, the rest of us is as unknown as the universe. what is happening in it all and why now, where do our thoughts come about from, our reactions, our laughter, where do they start and why do they end? what is in control of our appearance and what about our fate. when will all of that come to an end. when will a sharp pain shoot out of our gut, or a fire start in our barn, what is it that we are supposed to accomplish in this game and what happens when awareness brings it all to the surface? like living with a stranger, the more i feel i know my self the less i feel i know anything.

so we dont look. we pretend, like many things beyond our understanding, that it is not worth exploring. we treat it like anything else, shrug and deflect. we message a friend, open a book, watch the weather and count the time till we can put our heads onto the pillow and escape it all, if only for another night. we stop asking, we meditate , masturbate and medicate till all the time is used up. we feed the monster we are, with food and drink to give it energy to consume and grow and run its course. like any bacteria or organism, it has its host, its vehicle to eat from the leaves of life, to settle into cocoons at night and procreate again and again until it cannot any longer.