forget the moments gone. they do not matter anymore. the future, it is unknown. the only moment that matters is now. and are you content with it? your body, your frame of mind? your relationships with your family and your friends, can you say it is the best that it can be? it should be, for at any point it can be over. are you content with the state of affairs, with the world, your world. if not try to put in motion the things that will make it change for the better. get healthy, for a weak body will take away any other happiness you have put in place in life. pain is a real problem and the temporary relief you might attempt to numb it is just temporary. the issues of conflict and problems will not go away but only escalate and the opportunities that come your way are best grasped and achieved as soon as possible as those will go away as well.

—-

i keep running into people i have known from the past, and notice how they have aged. i notice it in my cat who no longer jumps as high as she once did, in my own self that no longer springs from bed or gets excited when a party or a person presents itself in my day to day. i have aged along with them, time is collapsing upon itself and seems to be speeding up. i understand that it is simply a proportion of time i have spent on this planet and each day i live on, the proportion to the days i have been there has changed to a smaller fraction so that the time goes faster. 1 day when i was ten years old was 1/3650th of my life, at 50 it will be 1/16000th of my life so it will go by faster. and the numbers like all math is simply a finite rule i must content with. games are no longer as interesting when you grow up as you start to know the results, you know that even if you win the happiness is not always worth the energy. how to play on?

—

i give myself another few years to keep playing this game. when i get excited of recnt speaking to people, i can feel my own self getting tired and the energy reserve dwindling. i try but only to a point. i have no ability to fake anything. if there is no passion, no interest, i will simply stop showing up. i cannot pretend. it does not matter anymore. like a child spitting out the food he does not like, when we get older we simply revert back to that child like actions and personaliy. the ego starts to die. the middle age, in all its ability to have us become an adult and feel as though we finally have control of things is the true joke the universe plays on us. it reminds me that my parents had no idea, were making it up as they moved along, imagining that they had any more answers then the child himself. we know nothing, giggling and retreating, we are impulses in a universe spinning in directions out of our control in times that we also did not choose to show up in. like the start, we will come out of this in an uncertain ending with our stuff lingering beyond us only to end up in an estate sale. ashes to ashes.