moments before this I had thoughts of laughter. since then I have felt guilt mixed with confusion. i will come across confidence and determination before tiredness washes over me. my mind trickling with new thoughts by the minute, murmuring in the background and Im unsure if that is what it is i call me. the idea there is someone else deeper then this, a reactor to the reactions, a sound sole somewhere inside me choosing which thoughts and actions to latch onto. so early in the morning, should I be even struggling with this thing we call the ego?

when we figure out the illusion the trick is never as good, the theater never as captivating, the reality nowhere near the fun in the fairy tales. knowing this why do i feel like tearing away the idea of an ego, why much I see everyone else as I call I? Perhaps we always want to peer behind the curtains, to grow up and become Santa Claus, to see the world for what it is, not a play progressing because some gods decided to set it out like this, not some spiritual journey we alone are set to solve, but an ecosystem evolving with us as one species trying to adapt, develop and survive. there is no I, yet I know nothing else.

so i go back to the task at hand. i have work and family and urges and hunger and medicines and other things to ground me. to take the thoughts and turn them into task, to tame the monkey mind and give it direction even if the destination does not make so much sense. dangling shining objects in front of things has worked on babies and cats among the things we relate to in life. we are a bit more complex but not by much. we can trick ourselves by playing seriousness the games we set forth and play on a day to day basis. the game of life, work and our favorite game of all—-my game is more important then your game.

ten years ago i turned my head for a moment and it became my life.

david whythe