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“To put is still more plainly: the desire for security and the feeling of insecurity are the same thing. To hold your breath is to lose your breath. A society based on the quest for security is nothing but a breath-retention contest in which everyone is as taut as a drum and as purple as a beet.” ~ Alan Watts

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working hard not to think of the pink elephant. there is nothing to lose I tell myself, pushing up memories of when i was younger and held much less but was much richer in feelings if not for anything else. the anxiety is growing, letter from the consulate yesterday warning us that we could be taken into custody for no reason at all:

China – Level 2: Exercise Increased Caution

Travel Advisory: China – Level 2: Exercise Increased Caution (January 4, 2018)
Exercise increased caution in China due to arbitrary enforcement of local laws as well as special restrictions on dual U.S.-Chinese nationals.
Chinese authorities have asserted broad authority to prohibit U.S. citizens from leaving China by using ‘exit bans,’ sometimes keeping U.S. citizens in China for years. China uses exit bans coercively:
  • to compel U.S. citizens to participate in Chinese government investigations,
  • to lure individuals back to China from abroad, and
  • to aid Chinese authorities in resolving civil disputes in favor of Chinese parties.
In most cases, U.S. citizens only become aware of the exit ban when they attempt to depart China, and there is no method to find out how long the ban may continue. U.S. citizens under exit bans have been harassed and threatened.
U.S. citizens may be detained without access to U.S. consular services or information about their alleged crime. U.S. citizens may be subjected to prolonged interrogations and extended detention for reasons related to “state security.” Security personnel may detain and/or deport U.S. citizens for sending private electronic messages critical of the Chinese government.
Extra security measures, such as security checks and increased levels of police presence, are common in the Xinjiang Uighur and Tibet Autonomous Regions. Authorities may impose curfews and travel restrictions on short notice.
China does not recognize dual nationality. U.S.-Chinese citizens and U.S. citizens of Chinese heritage may be subject to additional scrutiny and harassment, and China may prevent the U.S. Embassy from providing consular services.
Read the Safety and Security section on the country information page.
If you decide to travel to China:
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but what is one supposed to do with that information…both friends sitting across from me at breakfast yesterday had been detained and questioned, one pulled out of his weekly office meeting and questioned for drug use due to the fact of his name being in another friends phone who was arrested recently. a 23-year old american boy scared shitless due to a crack down on what I can only imagine is on immigrants. is this how the others feel in my country as nationalism and popularism takes hold? 
text messages coming in from friends and families, warning to be careful, the boogey man is real. like a frog who is having the water turned up all around him all we can do is accept the current climate and wonder to myself what had changed. 
i like to think that if i had done nothing wrong it would be enough. but as one knows, if you insist that one plus one is three you can always prevail if others are scared to question. as if the grey skies and funny writing wasn’t hard enough… i’m still one of the lucky ones. whatever you do, don’t throw me in the brier patch.