since the beginning i have been trying to figure out what the right and wrong. you would think it would be more black and white. but we no longer have teachers or parents telling us what to do or where not to go, and looking back you realize they were making it all up anyways. the confusion is compounded when you see other people involved in your decisions, friends and family counting on you to make the right choices. the right choices for them, maybe not us.

there seems to be alot of opposites going on. that if it is good going down it probably is not good in the long run. think of all the boozing, the cake eating, the playing. each of those actions is followed by a bit of remorse or pain. but if the pain comes in the beginning, hard work, exercise, climbing mountains, obtaining goals, then the outcome feels great. but is this right…i find myself breaking the rules, even knowing that the results can lead to a place i do not want to be. there is a thrill in this, a magic of sorts, of getting away with what i know i shouldn’t. there are so many unspoken rules, so many variations in the way things can come about.

i understand why, over the years, such a thick bible was there to try to guide us through all of these choices. but now, when it was found out that the preachers of these rules were themselves not following the laws they preach that that also falls apart. the right and wrong put back on individual shoulders, to monitor themselves but with hidden cameras watching in case one was to make a wrong decision. a monitor system to feed to a judge and jury somewhere deciding who was right and wrong in case you lose your compass. there rules, societies forced upon those unwilling to figure it out themselves.