There are always two voices struggling with one another. Two distinct characters, pushing me in two directions, one telling me to stay on course. Keep up the work and follow the path I have been on, to walk instead of drive, keep things as it is, to not mutter my true wants, to behave and act responsible. The other me wants to veer into the opposing lane, spend wildly and to follow the urges and desires I see around me. To behave in reckless abandonment. And with each day the battles rage, pushing the arguments I have been justifying into a weakening position or simply staying quiet and waiting for chances to compete. And as the id and ego battle the universe lays out its own path towards the reckless hole I will fall into. The dominos are falling.

Most accidents appear random. A weak pipe followed by a sudden freeze and then the explosion. In hindsight you can see them unfolding in subtle ways. Small fractures form, lack of management and a simple refusal to care creates some of the calamities you see around. The sips you take, small but intentional looking the other way, the teasing, the slow but intentional whittling away at what was once a bedrock can carve into any landscape. Our intentions might seem not so obvious but the outcomes make up for this.  Look around and find the divorced, the scarred and the humbled mixed into the ordinary mix of those not yet fallen. Set inside ever well intended plan is a path of failures and outcomes that was made to come apart in a matter of time and will.  It just took a certain amount of days. 

The pain does not need to come if you learn to enjoy the pull and push and noise of everything that is going to come. If you could settle on an incomplete assignment, an imperfect person and outcome then the flip side never really has to reveal itself. The two points that keep fighting and coming together are the same thing but in reverse. This idea of a higher mountain and a greener field, a bright sunny day with no ending, a one-sided mountain. But we know better. It has two sides. Good and bad taking turns in a game of hide and seek we are playing with it. Days chasing the night and humor encompassing tragedies while time rushes forward to bring us all to an end we have already met.