its hard to pinpoint. there are spaces, spots where i know i have failed. faltered. not lived up to what a person can. days that i have squandered away, thoughts that i should have not allowed into my mind. things i should have not said to others, actions that left me and others embarassed, ashamed and in trouble. they were not abundant. but they were there. and i wonder if my troubles today are the result of these actions.

is there a connection between our actions and the reactions that they cause? do dictators and sinners suffer more then the man who walks a righteous path? im unsure but i am trying to draw a line between then and now and wonder to myself if the actions of my past is in any way correlated with the outcomes of the present.

certain things makes me want to look away when i see them. fights, uncomfortable images or smells, inappropriate sounds, certain people. i feel that these elements in a way represent something sick in society, and when i glance at them they enter me and cause an uneasy sensation. the same logic i wonder if the actions that i have done in my past, the ones that make me want to look away and pretend they did not happen is somehow related to the building-blocks of what sickens me now. trying to peace together if things have meaning or connections is an internal battle we can take on or simply disregard as nonsense.